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|Friday, August 17th, 2007|
|Saturday, July 7th, 2007|
i must sayy long time no see.
all i want to say is that my second to last journal entry about lauren olsen. is bogus. i dont care anymore and i probably never will again .
i know i shuld just keep her as a friend, but if she denies myfriendship then why should accept hers?
i think i'm gonna quit livejournal. its very confusing and i'm not sure what its telling me. why can i just get it togther.
i told everyone i'm an alcoholic but no one believed me until my mom started saying it. my life is so dead right now. shit happens... i'll go with the flow.
i think i have cancer. Current Mood: numb
|Thursday, April 19th, 2007|
tis true i haven't written in awhile.
but I've come to the conclusion that my passion for writing down my feelings are lost.
i don't want to share my feelings with anyone.
the only thing i want to share are my opinions and my thoughts but never my feelings.
feelings can be your friend or your enemy. they can let you down and destroy you or they can make you feel on top of the world. though they are just a state of mind and everything else is real.
although intime i will contradict my self, as of now i'm gonna stay a locked up vault only sharing what iknow feel and not what i think i feel.
my life is not exciting at the moment.
and live jouranl has become dead soo i'll end up going to the old fashion pen and paper
|Friday, January 19th, 2007|
its funny how sorry doesn't mean much to me now and days. its like it went from being the biggest word you can use to make up for what you did to a meaningless four letter word stuck inside the dictionary that i for one look over when trying to find the word apologize.
but i guess its because i try not to be sorry for the thing i say or do because deep down i know i did them for a reason. my mother tried telling me how i did everything wrong most of the time and i didnt listen and it just came out. " sorry " , but it was like i was trying to make her feel better, like that word could make up for " everything" i do/did wrong. After, i didnt feel anything of the sort, i just wanted to take it back, in a way i wanted to say sorry for saying sorry, well without actually saying sorry.
i didnt, 'cause then i wouldnt be able to go to the movies, and that my friends .... i'm sorry for.
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2006|
|since when did having a boyfriend become a synonym for losing a friend
i come to you writing this letter after having many dreams of doing this exact same thing. The only thing different is that i will post this on livejouranl and re- write i until it is good enough to post on your door and hope your new love interest allows you to read it.
I beleive i was in fifth grade when you first came to my house. At first i didnt like you , and i could probably never tell you why. As the years grew, i grew fonder of you, and before you know it we were friends. I was suprised that you even you let me hang out with you when you spent the night at my house as if it was yours. We cracked jokes, made memories, and still manage to keep secrets from each other. It wasnt until freshman year that i felt totally accepted by you and sooner or later our secrets would be revealed. You told me you smoke, and were suprised that I too enjoy that festivity. Remember when we snuck into the garage to smoke together for the first time? You were so paranoid someone was going to catch us, but i kept telling you everything will be fine;it was. You hd already known about my drinking hobby,and it was You, Monica, and Beth who knew of both. I wanted to keep it all to myself but instead i shared it with my closest friends. After a while, Beth became the person you talked to, and i'm going to be honest with you, i felt left out. I am not blaming you or beth for that, since it was not your fault that your personalities were perfect for each other. So i sat back and would hang out, and would see how close ya'll were. Trust me, i was okay with it. Then you got a car, and stopped spending the night at my house. Who was i too complain about when they used my internet, who was it that i was supposed to have secret shots with ?
not you. you were behind your new hyndai that suddenly had taken away your fear of staying home by yourself. We were going apart, but we were so close. Graduation Came to end, and the summer ended and you and india both went off to college. You wanted to go to ATM, but ended up going to SAC for some teaching job. " I already became committed to it" you said, but really Lauren. Could you have been so, i dont want to say dumb, but so young. Wouldnt you have rather canceleed your plans and got to ATM to fulfill your dreams of becoming a vet than stay here in San Antonio? I never got that part of you, bt i still supported you and didn't say much cuase i knew that you knew waht you were doing. I intrust that your twelve years of education and experience would lead you through. School started and you took me out to lunch once, you told
me about this guy you met on myspace. He was "fabulous just fabulous". I was happy for you i truly was. Then i asked if i could approve of him jokingly, but deep down as serious as the iraq war. you said sure that would be fun. Then a few days later you told me that he wouldnt really want to be there in case I hit on him. You and beth looked at each other wierd at the Taco Cabana table and then looked at me. " He thinks you're a hoe, cuase you that tila tequila song on your myspace". You told you that you defended me, and i appreciate that.What i dont understand is why would put up with your boyfriend critizing your friends, from your mouth " one of your REALLY GOOD FREINDS". Not even two weeks into the relationship, you had giving up smoking for him and drinkig without him. Do you think its right that a woman should have to change for a man? Shouldnt he like you as you were and not what he had made you? You always used to tell me, " i want them to like me for who i am". I'm not saying drugs and alchol are what made you, i'm saying that those are things that were in your life. Its sad that you would give it up for a boy just like that. So i put up with this guy of yours cause i realized that you obviously like him alot to give up things for him. Then when i hadnt seen you or your mom in forever, i ask you to go to a simple dinner. you asked" whose all gonna be there" and i said " everyone" thinking you still remembered who everyone was, but instead you insisted on it being to big of a crowd and not wanting to come. Yes i was upset at your decesion, and by the time i got to IHOP i was just ready to eat than worry about how your drifting away. Looking through the window i saw your car was coming up and iwas like happy that you changed your mind. then i saw houston, and i finally was happy that iwas going to get to meet him. You got into the door and i went to give you the biggest hug, and i did, but in return i got a pat on the back as if i was nothing, but yet you acknowleged me. I turned around obviously seeing that you werent going to introduce me to the man that called me names before he even met me. I contined to the bathroom with beth and monica, upset that you , my once huggable buddy was a walking dead corpse with a puppeteer as a master. I told everyone how i didnt think it was right for you to come into IHOP like it was everyones business why you were "forced" to IHOP. No one forced you to come to IHOP with that gloom " i dont wanna be here face",I watched you as you sat at the table with the adults of the table with no expression on your face. As for beth, she had that pissed off bored look on her face like she too was unimpressed with what she was seeing. Not once did i look at Houston that night, not once did i speak to him. I did however talk infrom of him. I would have hope by proper greetings that you are to introduce your guest to the friend, espeically one that you have talk to about the same person. But nothing was done, and i left IHOP as if nothing happened.Something did happened, there were so many question that iwasnted to ask you. " what happened to the old lauren, the one that was outgoing with EVERYONE, the one who used to actually hold conversation at the table, act like a kid." I have doen nothing wrong to him not want you to see me. And if that is not the case then is it you who wont let yourself answer my text messages, my calls. Or is it him that demands tat you not talk to me. If i thought i knew you, i would know that you were have the decency to tell me that you never wanted to hear from em again. You took away your myspace, was that his decicion or yours? Was him going everywhere you go, once again, yours or his? what about taking your moms credit card, did he persuade you ? I can never know if you dont talk to me, but thats the problem. When did have a boyfriend and losing your friend become a synonym? you tell me. you seem to have the upper hand right now. Im still here if you are. But plese tell me, why is that beth is the one that has to update me on you and your so called relationship. As for me, i dont call it a relationship, he's out of a job, practicallly living with you, and wants you to move with him to boston. Why does he love boston? do you have efficient funds? I know Lana, your mom, will not put up with ya'll very much longer, you asked to move to boston with ya'll for what? financial support, or becuse you'd miss her dearly if you left. She has parents, your grandparents, who are old. She cant be traveling half way across the country to be with you . You are an adult realize that, and you mke your decision but i dont understand why you would let infatuation of some boy overcome your goals of going to atm. I thought your plans were to got to community college, then transfer, there is better than texas a and m , you want to mve to boston.if you did, would you have told me ? would i have even crossed your mind to tell? have you thought of my in the last twenty four hours, before you got this letter? Most of the time, i wonder if he'll hit you. I've heard hes got a anger problem. I'm pretty sure you'd make an excuse for him, and still " love " him after hes left marks on my body.
i'm not writing this letter to offend you nor houston. i'm writing this letter to let you know how i feel about this whole situation. you might write back that i dont even know the half of it. And your right i prolly dont, but i do know enought that when you realize that YOU yourself realize taht this man is not right for oyu, you not have me. i'm hanging on my a limb. I wish i could stay here and put up with this. but this boy hes taken you away from society, from everything that i thougth that you told me you wanted. infatuation can last forever. dont be his puppy. or let me put it more dramatic, dont be his bitc and devot you rlife to him. woman have worked to hard to stoop to a mans shoes.
If this guy of yours has any questions, i want him to come directly to me. I odnt want you to call me up asking for him. I want him to defend himself and i want you to defend yourself. Although this letter is for you you'll probably share it, since he is your " lost friend"
mia Current Mood: angry
|Saturday, November 18th, 2006|
the night before i guess i was just really realziing that my life wasnt perfect, and when what am i supposed to do be happy about it? of course. ( not). i know that people will tell me that nothing and nobody is perfect, but the point of perfection, to me , is individual to its owner. i'm not sure what i want to do anymore. do i want to stop and go back to when i was the neive girl ,or keep my habits in which i can fulfill calmness. Should i go to japan? or should i just stay in the U.S.? there are so many things that i thought iwanted to do that i'm not sure and i'm not sure if i will ever again be sure of.
being grounded has made me think how i should change my life. the drugs, alcohol, cigerettes, etc. , should be change, but i cant take myself to view an image of me not having them. no i'm not addicted, and no they dont define me, but those things are what i enjoy, sould i give up my so called " hobbies" to get out of hell ?
since when did it become okay to become careless mia?
when did you decided you wanted to be caught?
i secretly beleive i quit caring so my parents could find out. Maybe it was because i was tired of hiding, and what i thought they would be okay with, turned out to be a ticket to hell. Like most parents, they say " tell us, we'll let you , trust us we will " but as i found out, our parents lie to us when they say that. Then i thought about it, if they lied abou tthat that menas they lied mostly all of you life. So my life is a lie? no of course not.
i dont really beleive in god.
yes i believe he is there but why should i base all my actions are on account of him . yes i know youre thinging thats random. but you are my journal and i have to write that down . i remember once when iwas in speech class, Mrs. klumpp
|Friday, November 17th, 2006|
its been along time, i know. i'm not even sure what i want anymore.
i thought i did, but it was just a fake cover up in which i thought my life seemed perfect. none the less i'm grounded untill i reach the depts of hell. I"m not gonna lie to you, its my fault, i became careless in my sceme of rebllion. The cigerettes, the lying, the alcohol, and the drugs. I would say i want to take it all away, if i really wanted to fix the problem, but thinking abou it as really made me realized that although
( dad has just walked in .... to be continued)
|Monday, October 2nd, 2006|
|i dont even know why i even try to give 100%
so this week was really really really really really lame. i did nothing but live at the band hall. no it was worse, the library ina corner eating lunch everyday with JENNY TEMPLE* and jacob making band signs for the band director.
although she saved me from the burden of buying poster cuase it would have finacially killed me.anyways let me tell you, that i didnt see much of my house, just my bed when i slept and got up . and of course my bathroom . anyways soo i finally get all the posters done by the time friday's game come around and did she use these posters no!! why would she. i only got 7 hours for the whole week to meet the deadline. but tahts it we went to the game , won!! and then got home at like 2 int he morning . it was fun iwas ready to party but i got a call from drunk reminding me that i had work at 10 so iwas like what!!! ( plus why would he remember that when he's drunk haha ..obseessed with work) so iwas like okay i'll chill at home with my vodka and cigerettes. yoiu would think that since my dad found them i would be careful but no i still get in the back of my truck and pretend that no one will find me . and then arond 3 i decided to head to bed. most of the time i lya down andi think but i guess i dint think . i just fell asleep. then 7 hours later i got up to go to work which happened to be the busiest dayyy evvverrrr and i was just happeened to be by myself. anyways so after that i went to a movie with monica and allie. we saw jackass 2 and it was soo fu nny. and then i really had to go tot he bath room . and little did i realize there was throw up on the floor is when i stepped in. then after i went to the bathroom, and washed it off and allt hat jazz i felt queezy def. when i came back. then we went to chris' to atch a movie it was fun. uh and that s it nothing really happened i didnt do any crazy this wkekend.
bt right now i'm talking on aim to this guy name john and hes realy LAME!!
infact hes more than lame is uncool!! haha jkk ahh .. :D
p.s. the person i was attracted to last blog is no longer int he picture i think . i'm not sure i'm still debating. ahh .
the best thing that happened last week was when bush invertably said taht he was ignorant. yesss. thats what the people lilke to hear.
and i try really hard in school but does it do anything NO! of cours not but i'm 166 in my class out of 358 so i guess thats good. i wish i was higher i really do . i dont know whow to fix that. ibut i've been good this year. i'mve done all my homework, and i' havent skipped classand iparticapate. god dayum .
and i need to stop swearing . and being a " bitch"
as certain people like to say. dont ask me who casue i dont know. but sme girl comes p and was like youre nice and iwas like yeahh did someone tell me other wise and shewas like yea someone told me you were a bitch and wias like uhh who and she was like i'm not obligated to tell and itwaslike okay? you should sincets me so i just told her to tell whoever told her to tell me and not spread it aroundlike a junior school rumor.
|Tuesday, September 12th, 2006|
Joan moved away to Colorado
Said she found God and a boyfriend as well.
One that won't hit her or make her feel shallow
There's a lot to learn about Joan
Before I moved in Joan had a fling with the landlord
So she got to stay here for free
And I'm not a genius but I figured out
There's a lot to learn from Joan
And after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where they slowly misplaced your life...
Go get it right
I went to the closet to get dressed for work
When I spotted a box I had not seen before
With all kinds of letters that never got sent to a guy in Colorado since 1994
And I know it's wrong
But I sat and opened in no certain order
A letter or two she talked about blisters and bruises of anger
And she bought a handgun to learn how to shoot
And the last letter said that she had to get out
But I couldn't make out the rest of the note
From the blood stains all over the page of the letters
There's a lot to learn
And there's a lot I learned about Joan
And after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where you slowly misplaced your life
Oh and after all this time, you were waiting on the ride
To stop at the place where they slowly misplaced your life...
Go get it right
Go get it right
Go get it right
Go get it right
so its been a totaly of two months since i've writeen in this thing, and too me thats okay . I've realized that i have only thought about writing in it when i have something negative to say , or have something going on in my life. but thats waht journal is about . most people would think that i'm this hyper content person , with no doubts. but something was brought up to me that made me wonder. " youre a six year old" and i personally i'm alot more mature than the person that told me this, but i'm not gonna deny i can be a little childish at times espeically in band. i think i've figured out why though, i thinks its becuase band is my cover up my make up , instead of being this crazy person, i can be the kid of the band, but thats a different story that i dont even know the words to. also i've notice that i've taken a keen look into politics. i wanna get into it, but would people take me seriously? i doubt it. i know none of this will make sense to any of ya'll cuase i 'm pretty sure i'm just rambling and putting stuff in that you dint knw where it came from. but i believe you must find the missing peices.
i havent sat down and talked to anyone lately, i have , but jokingly , not deep i need a good converstaion , one that mkes me cry and laugh and opiniate myself. i dont think i can go around much longer talking with my " awesome sense of humor" [haha]. and i wish that i could just find someone to cuddle with , i know this kinda like persnaly and you prolly wondering why i 'm writing this, but i thing its important thing to write since its waht i feel , if you dont like it stop reading. i mean the last semi relationship that i tried to get into totally bombed like two days ago, and i had to find out through myspace. how lame? did i care no , was i upset yes becasue he coudve called and told me, or something but letting me find out through myspace is just a sorry move on his part. but we had a talk last night and everything is okay . the only thing that makes me mad is that he said " he wanted to wait on a relationship" and then like a week later hes already in love with a gril hes only talked to twice, in some class. but anyways back when we would hang out , i would feel so comfortable with him even just standing next to him and hugging him and all sorts . but now i dont have that freedom of just going to get my sexual hormones out. and no i'm not talking about having sex i'm talking everything holding hands, kissing , although sex is fun dont get me wrong. i'm really attracted to someone in the band, but i dont like him . i 'm pretty sure if he found out he'd get cocky in someway , and laugh at me in the face. the only thing is that theres only one thing going through my mind, me and him sitting on the bus together, " falling asleep on each others sholders. hes a cool guy or waht ever, but i think i'm only acting that way becuase i need someone to lean on . or something like that. i just dont know anymore . and i'm kinda lost in the darkness about my own life. its different yet, intense. i'm confused about everything. well not everything, the only thing i'm sure of is that i cant turst alot people anymore, only like three poeple, and that i love my job at subway . i love my co workers, they teach me the gansta way or wahteva and its actually a beautiful thing. I havent had a ciggerett in 1.5 weeks,,but i've have gone through six packs of gum. i cant exactly smoke anymore since, my paretns check purse when i' not looking , since they found them. and they foudn my mini bar under my bed, which sucks, but for all of those who know me , it will start rebuilding gradually. i've pretty much become a alcholic and it makes me sad, i have one or two or more drinks everynight, and its like i'm used to it now. like i need it before bed if i need to sleep. i never told anyone this but i took a shot of tequila before early morning band practice. how sad is taht? hmm i dunno. i like my lifestyle though. i might complain and gripe about it, but i love my life in every aspect. but anyways i think thats the only going on in my life.
i think i might go to robbins though to get some of my senior credits done.
so i can work on getting college credits so
hopefully i can be counted as a sophmore when i get to college.
i really wanted to graduate early but i forgot that i alreeady missed out on some of the senior stuff. and plus i wanna try out for caledonia again .
so that shoud be fun. and i wanna saeve up for japan trip this summer with the school ro wahtever .c uase i heard they were doing that an tis gonna be something like 2000 . which isnt bad
so i think i'mk gonnna fundraise hawaii.
and save up for japan in money wise.
i'm going to drivers ed. and i'm rockthat bitch.
and i'm going to pay my band fee by myslef i'm uuber excited.
" so now that we celebrate from the coming up from the down times, raise your hands and heres a drink in the name of yourself"
"i aint playin motha fuckas"
opinions: too many for right now.
i have cried in almost a year. thats either a good thing or a bad thing.
and i can give you a guess. the andwer dowenst start with the letter "g'
|Tuesday, July 25th, 2006|
three times a charm .
i think not.
good bye lj.
|Monday, June 26th, 2006|
since being in austin:
become a legal daycare assistant
realized that the money gives you everything
i can go more than two days without a cigerette
the cooperations once again own the government
bush family are terroist
learned not to ask my uncle question
learned tht my aunt has a picky choice of humor
learned my cousin smokes bud and he knows i do too
had three sex craves
thought a guy was cute
found no local friends
been hit on once
saw the capitol
rode the bus without knowng the route
hung out with my cousins
stayed up for 48 hours
realized i dont want kids
i'll probably never get married
carry my dog around with me in a sling pouch
get my dog high with me
found myself more than i have in a long time.
needed a hard drink for the past month
i need monica cause theres no one
|Sunday, June 11th, 2006|
hey i know its been awhile.
but i'm back in san antonio for the weekend.
and i had a small party that was fun.
acutally it was more then fun .
i love everyone that came to my party.
lauren beht allie and monica
o m g.
monica got me this cool japanese suki cup and a zebra purse, allie got me this oriental like wallet. and a target card. beth and laurens was funny.
it was how to survive in japan .
i loved it
there were some many thin
and i dont feel like writing them all down .
we drove around and we went to heb.
and some random guy was like " ya'll look like ya'll have myspaces"
and lauren got all offended but iwas just like " yea"
and then we saw briana and juliette and luther and i met venessa.
shes cool i dont think she liked me .
i dont fuckin currrr
i have lunch with allie and monica tomamrow.
shall be excitign
i'm gonna show them my new dress .
it matchies my purse kinda
well its black
so it kinda as too haha
thanks to the four of yall i love ya'll .
|Thursday, June 1st, 2006|
so last night i drove up to austin and got myself situated. I woke up and got ready for my first day of work .
i absolutely love it.
but on the way there my aunt told me that i might not get to work since i have to get passed by the dean of the school in which i'm working.
so today was kinda of my orientation. The kids are so cute. although VERY messy.
heres the routine:
open up ( with my aunt)
then dis-infect the diaper area and wipe down all the counters
then drive down to the kitchen and pick up breakfest for ourselves and extra for the kids.
( in case they dont like the one they have)
talk with parents and greet kids
sit them down for breakfast
decide on an activity ( we made goop today)
then we either go outside or to the gym for excercise
Play time in the room
NAP TIME = Clean up time
wake up and play some more
and we pick up
and the many diaper changes inbetween
its fun . i got my official paperork today i turn it in tomarrow.
and then this weekend i'm going downtown .
any ways let me tell you about the kids:
theres cooper: vry stingydoesnt really like to follow directions.. or mien haha
then theres walker: hes so cute and only wants to do it by himeself. he doesnt want help from anyone
then ben: i swear this kid is an angel. he likes to run and play with hokey sticks.
then patrick: he has a very very very large head. hes like linus he needs his blanket
then nate: hes bigger(potty traiined!!) likes his pink bunny and his snow leapord blanket
Kj: reminds me of a bigger version of that kid from daddy day care
David: wierd. very into pokemon, powerrangers,inuhasia. but very cute
riley: only girl very cute. lerning how to write full words.
zev: very shy. HIGH MAINTANANCEx986875786987
and i fell in love with one of them.
my god he is so cute.
he is omg.
whenever he gets a booboo he runs to one of us and goes " will you kiss it"
and then i taught him the plane
and so whenever he ewants to do it, he just comes up to me ang points his andint eh air and goes " plane plane plane"
hes so big for his age, like when he grows up hes gonne be a linebacker.
the only bad thing is that he bites and grabs on and wont let go haha.
i'm like LaDarius, please let go please, please, please
and he finally lets go.
wel thats it for the day.
but i'll keep writing not that yo want to know baout htese kids haha
|Tuesday, May 30th, 2006|
i need a car.
i'm supposed to go hang out with danny toamkrrow
before i leave for autsin
but i have no way to get ther.
no way at all .
we agreed on 5-7 but i called everyone iknew and they dont want to
i've bribed them with money .
and i'm a cheap person haha
i told ms. mewbourne that i was meeting a friend. but she used to go to our school and she now goes to brackenridge.
i'm a liar.
and i a hate it.
monica is going hopefully,
and then i'm gonna ask her to take a friend
and then idk.
i leave for austin toamrrow .
i'm not coming back until the tenth, for my birthday bash
im renting an hotel
and we gonna get krunk.
should be fun .
i want everyone to be there
and i dont care if you dont get me a gift,
life is better than usual. i'm starting to wonder when my mom will blow upon my again, cause she does that more than three times a week.
and for stupid things.
i told her i need to see a therapist, but she doenst beleive me.
i dunno why. i randomly start to cry and she says its becuse i'm confused. i think its because i'm going crazy. not crazy persay but i just really need to let a professional stranger know my iinnner things.
indias being a bitch to me
i think rai is on drugs
last night i was on myspace writing raps for eveyone.
they were quite interesting . not good. but funny
okay this is it.
sry that this entry is just tid bits.
but i'm too tired to write it all
|Wednesday, May 24th, 2006|
okay so this week is pretty cool
i havent studies
i think .
i'm passing all my finals.
all i have is geometry and im freakin out
but i dont think i'll ever freak out as much as today
we went to lunch
and we were racing calvin to the school
and allie was going like 60
and like the cars werent going even though it was green.
and allie had to slamm on the breaks it was soooo fucking scary.
im supposed to go smoke out wiht charslie and briana tomarrow.
shall be fun .
i just need to get some money
because fucking thunder cloud is llaame
and took all if it for a cold sandwhich.
|Wednesday, May 17th, 2006|
| P.S.YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE BANDS NEW HEAD HISTORIAN please,i'll take autographs later:D
so last log was kinda like a death letter. or thats what the fbi would say if they found it. idunno. but it still true. i dont take it back .Now there are only like 5 days until graduation, and i'm now freaking out. My sister has decided to stay in San Antonio. I'm excited. thats means that maybe it will be cheaper for my parents to pay and save up for me to go to college! ah that sounds so selfish , but i need to go Colorado State. well i cant really emphasize need cause i dont, but i want to REALLY REALLY bad.
it turns out the my summer plan of going to live in Austin for a month are bombed, becuase of the one decision i try to make on my own, my dad gets all pissed that i'm going away for a month. It saddens me, but i guess it will be okay since i'll time to spend with friends, thats if they too dont go out of town. i can sense that this summer is going to be REally boring if not.
so to exchange the job in austin, i'm going to apply for a job at Thunder Cloud Subs. there are so many cuute boys there haha. but there like 21 so it be totally illegal, but it be cool to work with them . cuase like everyone will be like " omg" and i'll be like " i work with them " haha
call me lame. but i love it . hmm it will be my first job, but on the help wanted poster it was like i need " energetic! , fun! clean! etc. people"
and iwa slike hmm thats me. i can be all of those. wait i am .
the week as gone by soooo slow. like i seriously cant take it. were not doing anything in strings though which is exciting. but on thursday we have to play which too sucks. no one has anything were i can just walk to theri classes to just chill. well one person, but idunnno.
finals week is coming up and its killing me.
i dont know how i'm gonna study usually i know how. but my mind has gone bac to fifth grade add lately and i like it, but then i dont. i cant pay attention except to the stupid stuff, ( boys, clothes, etc ) i failed a math test, cuase i dont understand it. this sucks. i really do hate school. but next year i'm gonna try soooooo hard. like it will be ridiculous.
some times i wonder if i'll become a hobo on the street.
really i do.
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
| number of officers:
2 drummajors,1 president, 1 vice president, 3 librarians, 7+ unknown.number of meetings:
one number of meetings i've attended:
|Tuesday, May 9th, 2006|
so i told my self i was going to write in this thing, and so far i havent.
there are only "like" ten days till graduation and i'm still not freaking out.
i wonder sometimes why i'm not. is it because i want my sister to leave, or is it because the thought of her leaving would be nearly impossible to imagine. i just dont know.
Lately shes been talking to me more. what she says i beleive. she asks me questions that she think i would know the answers to. i do. but to tell her the truth would not only be awkward but make her cry. i did on one question becuase i felt she needed to know. As she told me the answer i swore to god i beleived her and i still do. I also wanted to tell her everything i've done morally wrong, but is now habitual.
next year she will be a freshman and i will be a junior and i can go offcampus without Mrs.Phillips telling my parents and them getting mad, i will look more grown up for certain things, and i can start applying for scholarships and etc. to go to colorado state, or even mississippi. I dont know yet, although i did some major researching and those seem most logical since their foreign language area is highly recommended. I know i want to learn Japanese, and i want to teach English in japan, but why does no one take me seriously? I tell everybody who ask, " so do you know waht you want to do when you
and i tell them , and theres a awkward silence then a " oh ! well thats good " but in the back of their voice i can hear them thinking i'll never pull through.
I have come to realize that nothing i try out for, i seem to get. Either god hates me or my creativy or self presense isnt as strong asi thought it would be. For Caledonia, i thought " wow i just made the best skit i'm ever going to make ever in my life, i have to get this" , but did i? no. I've tried out for Band officer twice in a row now, and still nothing. I really wanted to be historian becuase i love to take pictures and work iwth powerpoint. I guess i will have to try out next year, only beuase maybe having a nw band director would be a new start, a new beginning to show him
that i can be a leader and a good officer. Maybe even show i'm that i'll make cookies every friday for the band.
i told rebecca that i make stuff for the clarinets but they never eat it. so i'm baking all week its kinda depressing.
My mother asked me why i'm baking, i told her, but i realized that i could die tomarrow. i die tomarrow never knowing what its like to bake cookies on my own ? or a cake? or sky dive? start a family? what if you never see me tomarrow
or the next day ? will you think i'm sick and check in or will you wait till you realize that my family members ar stand offish, and suddenly arent involved with anything. what eever happened to that Mia girl?
i heard she moved! i heard she start home shchool! i heard she died
eh i guess heaven would bea better place. i heard everything is free there. so it all works in my advantage right now. i could get free cigeretts, while under 18, unless they still hold that up there, get into bars, clubs, eat my groceries out of the store, eat at the finest resturants. To me, it would be different. i would want
to pay for my stuff. when i think of heaven i always think of that one movie " seven people you meet in heaven", which not alot of people have seen, but basically its where you meet seven people who live in " their heaven" and the only way to get to the real heaven is to help someone reach " their heaven" so they too can have a chance to help someone and go to heaven. i always try to imagine waht " my heaven" would belike, but i never can. ican tell you the type of people iwould want to meet as my seven.
a rich man
a proverty stricken woman
a sick boy
a happy girl
a gardener if not i wonder what seven people i will meet when i die
sorry that this passage is long.
p.s. band baquet = friday , and ihave the cutest dress.
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
so last night the carnival was fun.
i usually didnt expect for me to feel sick
but idk . i screamed like iusually do and yea, i just felt sick like i was GOING to throw up.
today was very wierd.
i was in the wierdest mood all day.
like i was sad but not really ?
idunno how to explain it
the biggest laugh was when
briana freaked out about her hair.
i turned red.
i'm thinking about eating lunch by my self on monday . to get all my work organized and stuff.
crazy. i know.
i need a new camera.
i'm dying with out one.
so i think that wht i'm gonna ask my dad for my birthday or soemthing.
cuase theres so many things i wish i wouldve taken pictures of. its killing me!!
today i saw josh like 2094802349825 times. we talked all of them.
but idunno i cant really feel the connection anymore.
this alwasy happens where i tell someone i like them . ndhten poff there go the feelings.
it sucks. i still like hime.
but i wish he was more. foward.
in other words NOT SHY.
today was band officer elections.
im nervous cause i really want a spot.
people made fun of me becacue i made little pass papers that said " VOTE MIA FOR BAND OFFICER"
but thats okay
i wanna be historian beuasei'm really good with a camera and memories oh yes and powerpoint.
i really want that job.
tomarrow is the battle of flowers parade.
the band is 118th .
supposedly thats towards the front . so i guess thats ok with me .
i marching next to rebecca and josh.
i accidentally took colins spot and i feel really bad.
so i told him i'd switch him , but he said it was ok .
i cant wait till tomarrow.
i guess it will be fun .
i got my hair cut today .
she did it crappy.
i wanted to cry
so i went to the bathroom and cut it even .
or almost even .
if i dont like it, at least i know that I made it bad,
and not the professional.
but when i cut it it looked somewhat better.
shorter than what i wanted.
but i guess its okay .
i really do hate it.
AND SHE CUT MY BANGS WITHOUT ASKING ME
i had them perfect size that iw anted.
and she just took my bangs really quick and did it
i wasl ike " oh i didnt want my bangs done " " hoping to stop her in time to fix it " thats too late. "
GOD DAMN MOTH ER FUCKIN CUNT
my mom hates it when i cut my own hair . cuase i do it wrong. but when i showed hr the final product, she was like it looks good.
if i was to tell her i cut it myself, she would have made me chop it off like last time.
p.s.s watch the parade on tv and look for me!!!